I'm writing this because "silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone," and I am unquestionably, unconditionally, openly, honestly, infinitely grateful. Quote by GB Stern.
So I woke up this morning and was assailed by the usual craziness: Mother wanted me to run a billion errands, there were extensive and complex Xmas eve and morning menus to be planned, there were last minute Xmas gifts that needed getting... you know, the usual holiday spiel of running around like a chicken with a severed head and getting nowhere, fast. I tried to bear the strain like a champ, of course, but it's hard sometimes. Mom has OCD and so things need to be done in a rather particular fashion, lines are long, don't even talk about how stressing it can be to go out in last-minute holiday traffic, and I find those felt reindeer horns people put on their cars to be terribly distracting. All of this is a recipe for disaster, so when I finally--finally!--got home a few minutes ago and was able to sit down for the first time in hours, I let out the most massive sigh of relief in recorded history.
This sigh was followed by me bursting into tears.
Before you go, "Oh no!", I need to clarify just what kind of tears these were. These were flabbergasted tears, ones that were as happy as a fat kid in a candy store and just as grateful, too, because when I checked my DA account and found a note from 13LuckyWishes that contained this link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC5ka9SlmXE&context=C3486006ADOEgsToPDskInyY9eTC1IFUW_zvwVe764
Good lord in heaven, y'all. Good lord in heaven.
I don't think I can begin to tell you how I feel about this. I can throw out all the synonyms for "happy" the thesaurus cares to list (ecstatic, delighted, thrilled), and all the synonyms for "grateful" (indebted, appreciative, thankful) and "surprised" (stunned, amazed, bamboozled) and "overwhelmed" (engulfed, inundated, moved), too, but no matter how many times I repeat those words I don't think I can ever come close to expressing the sheer magnitude of how I feel about this. Words have failed me. That is unusual for me. I can't begin to know how to handle this influx of sheer WOW.
Because WOW, guys.
When we drove out to Nana's house a few days ago for Christmas, and Mom and I got to talking. It was just the two of us, alone on a seven hour drive. Like we normally do, conversation drifted to the subject of just what the hell I'm going to do with myself after college. Mom still isn't on board with the whole novelist venture; she thinks it's too long of a shot, and she wants me to go with something safer. I ended up talking to her about fanfiction--or, more specifically, I ended up talking to her about you guys, and what you've done for me. I told her about how many of you have asked when and if I'm going to put out a book, so you can read it. I told her about how when I said I had submitted my piece for publication, you asked to be kept posted so you can support me if my work is accepted. I told her about all the nice things you've said to me over the years, and about how supportive and kind you have been, but most of all I told her about the confidence you've given me. I am 100% certain that without having known you, I would not be the writer I am. You've changed me, for good. I am a writer who still needs to grow so, so much, but I am also a writer who knows that someone, somewhere, believes in me.
It's funny. When Nana or another member of my family says they think I can get somewhere with my writing, I just can't bring myself to believe them. After all, they're related to me. They love me by automatic virtue of our shared blood. They HAVE to say they think I can succeed. That might be unfair of me, but when your mother says you're the prettiest girl in the world, it can be hard to take her at face value. All mothers think the world of their children.
It's different with you, though. It was when you guys embraced me with open arms and started saying I could do it that I really and truly started to believe in myself. You aren't connected to me. I've only met one or two of you in real life. You have no obligation to be kind to me, just as you have no obligation to even acknowledge my very small existence. The fact that you DO treat me with kindness, the fact that you DO take an interest in me, the fact that you DO tell me I can make something of myself, all without ever having met me or having any sort of obligation at all--that's a powerful, humbling, joyous thing.
Without you... well. I don't really want to think about it. Confidence has never come easily to me. You have changed the way I view myself. You have excelled in a field in which few others have ever succeeded.
Thank you. I can never thank you enough.
You changed someone else, too. This video, coming just a few days on the heels of that conversation with my mother, changed the way she looked at my dream. I showed her the video and the loving words in the description, and she said: "They really think you can do this, don't they?" I can't tell you how long I've waited for her to acknowledge my writing, and today she did--because of you guys. Thank you 13LuckyWishes for going to the trouble of making the video, thanks to all the contributors who donated their work to make the video possible, thank all of you for believing in me and saying such nice things even though I don't know how you stand my shenanigans sometimes, thank you for being so helpful and receptive and open to my strange ideas, thank you for the love and the joy of knowing all of you, thank you thank you thank you--
THANK YOU.
Since most of the words in the English language have failed me at this juncture, those are the ones--as inadequate as they most certainly are--that I am going to stick to.
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