I'm an Idiot

I'm the biggest freaking idiot on the face of this planet.

I wrote the ENTIRE next Future Talk chapter, only to get ready to post it and realize that I left out a HUGE part of it, and without that part the rest of the ending won't make a lick of sense. I am so mad at myself I could just spit.

Suffice to say, FT probably won't be ready to be posted until tomorrow afternoon. I worked my butt off today and don't have nearly enough to show for it. Sorry guys. This was massive error on my part, plain and simple.

How Not to Write Your Profile

I feel really preachy, writing this, but I still feel like it needs to be written.

                When I click on an FFnet user’s profile, I typically take a look at the scroll bar on my screen’s left hand side. Most of the time it’s tiny, indicating that the user either has a hundred stories posted, or has been posting “I’m one of the 2% of teens that doesn’t smoke pot”-type of chain junk until their profile says nothing more about them other than how they like to copy stuff from other people. It’s usually the latter scenario, and to be perfectly honest, I usually don’t even give that stuff a chance. I click the “hide profile” option as soon as I see that tiny cursor.

                I’m of the minimalist’s camp, you see. On my profile I post the stuff people actually need to know. I don’t waste space on copy-paste junk, I don’t chatter about myself, I don’t hold conversations with fictional characters. I put my contact info, links to my other web pages, a brief about-me section that’s only a paragraph long, and the chunk that by far takes up the most room of all: links to the pages of people who have drawn art based on my stories. Recently I’ve added a small blurb that contains a link to a short story that welcomes people into my world, plus a section with links to my blogpages that contain tutorials on various subjects, but I’ve tried to keep my profile as concise and clutter-free as possible. I don’t even have a quote section! OMG! I just have a single e.e. cummings quote at the bottom of my page because it’s inspirational and is probably the single most meaningful quote in the entire world, at least from my perspective.

                Anyway, I feel like I’m acting all superior and insufferable right now, so I’m going to stop talking about myself. My overall point is basically that profiles that have miles of meaningless crap on them aren’t making you stand out or seem unique. Most people just skip them. Your profile should say a lot about you as a person, but by posting that you’re one of the two percent of teens who don’t smoke pot, you’re actually blending in to a very large crowd. You’re also a part of a large crowd by having a list of generic personal information that looks like this:

                Name: I can’t tell you that, you stalker!

                Age: Between 1 and 100, you stalker!

                Gender: I’m a girl, duh!

                …and so on, and so on. Everyone does that. Break free of the mold! Be unique! I know you can do it!

                (If this applies to you and you’re at all offended, I apologize! I’m sure you’re terribly unique and awesome, and I’m sure that some exceptionally long profiles don’t fall into my assessment of long profiles, but… for the most part, I think my thoughts hold true.)

Graphospasm’s Ludicrous Attempt at Teaching People how to Format Dialogue

Let’s take a look at this sentence:

“My name is Rolando,” he said in a loud voice.

                Look at it. Read it. Read it hard. I want you to take very special note of how there are two parts to this single sentence. Yes. There are two parts to one sentence.  Two of them! Two! But it’s still just one sentence. With two parts. Are you getting this?

Part #1 is the dialogue, which is contained within the “quote” marks. “My name is Rolando.” Read it. Love it. Accept “my name is Rolando” as Part #1.

Part #2 is the modifier of the dialogue. It comes after the “quote” marks. In this case, it is the words he said in a loud voice. Read them. Love them. Accept he said in a loud voice as Part #2.

Obviously, the words in Part #1 are the words being spoken aloud, by a character, in a story, who is speaking aloud. Rolando is introducing himself by saying, “My name is Rolando.” The words are being spoken. Out loud. They are spewing out of Rolando’s sexy Spanish mouth, and you love them. You know you do.

Even more obviously, the words in Part #2 are modifying, or describing, the words in Part #1. They tell us information about the words spoken aloud—in this case, they are telling us that he said them, and not only did he say them, he said them in a loud voice! Without this information, we could lose ourselves in a murky quagmire of confusion for the rest of our days. Is he really the one saying the words? Or is she saying them?! That sneaky strumpet! And is how is he saying them? In what tone is his voice registered; with what emotion does the speaker speak? WHY MUST YOU CONFUSE US SO?!

Ahem.

Remember how Part #1 and Part #2 are still the same sentence? You do? Excellent! Make sure to keep remembering, for later, there will be a test. Rolando will love you forever should you pass, but for now, keep this information in mind to be recalled later, because I need to talk to you about periods.

…

No, not the bloody kind, you sick freak! I’m talking about punctuation periods. They, unlike Mother Nature and her monthly surprise, are your friends.

Only, they’re not. Not really.

Periods are dastardly villains who delight in breaking up families. They hate togetherness of all kinds—especially the togetherness of clauses. They wish to rupture your sentences from the foundation, separating all of your thoughts into distinct chunklets of independent clauses. They do. Really.

Don’t believe me? Well, then. Take a look at this happy family of a sentence:

We are together and we are in love.

Now, take a look at the sentence after a period sneaks its treacherous little hands into it:

We are together. We are in love.

You see? What was once a happy family of two clauses joined together by a conjunction is now a fractured set of two independent clauses! The thoughts are separate! They have nothing to do with one another! The period represents an invisible wall of force that keeps the thoughts from mixing! HORROR OF HORRORS!

Now I want you to recall our little talk about Part #1 and Part #2 of the sentence from earlier. Remember how, even though the parts are separate parts, they are still the same sentence? You do? YES. THANK GOD. ROLANDO LOVES YOU. The reason I ask is because you want Parts 1 & 2 to be together. You want them to be a happy family. You want them to be a unit, one cohesive party, two parts that express one thought, one idea, one concept.

Therefore, THIS IS WRONG: “My name is Rolando.” He said.

Note the unhappy not-togetherness created by the period, which separates the dialogue of Part #1 from the modifying description of Part #2 with its invisible powers of dishonorably evil intent. It creates a fragment of a sentence by separating he said from the dialogue he said should be modifying, and since fragment sentences are of the devil and should be burned, Rolando will be displeased. And that is unnacceptable.

Look at Rolando. Look at him and his grammatic exactitude. You wouldn't want to disappoint those abs--I mean, his standards like that, would you?

No. No, you most certainly would NOT.


Therefore, THIS IS RIGHT: “My name is Rolando,” he said.

Note how the comma very happily brings Part 1 & 2 together. Commas hold hands. They join things up. In dialogue, they are your friends. In dialogue, there’s no place for a period until the very very end of the modifying text—AKA, the end of Part #2!

“Alas!” you find yourself declaring. “What if I desire to use something other than a comma in my dialogue? What if I desire… to use an exclamation point?! WHAT SAY YOU THEN, BRIGAND?!”

Pish posh, says I, for that is child’s play. Watch carefully as I demonstrate many possible variations of dialogue formatting with the greatest of ease, young grasshopper:

“This is how you format dialogue,” he said.

“This is how you format dialogue!” he said.

“Is this how you format dialogue?” he said.

                The first word after the “quoted” dialogue should always be lower case… unless, of course, it’s a proper noun like a name, or is part of a separate sentence. Examples:

“I hate him,” Susan said without inflection. “He stole my dolly.”

“I hate him.” She spoke the words without inflection. “He stole my dolly.”

The modifier ‘she spoke the words without inflection’ deserves a period (which serves a friendly purpose, for once) because it is a complete sentence. It has graduated and moved out of its parents’ house, able to stand on its own as a complete thought. Only complete sentences, never mere fragments like he said, deserve such treatment.

Just remember, my children, my literati, my grammarians the world over… PERIODS HATE DIALOGUE AND WANT TO BREAK UP HAPPY FAMILIES. Do not fall prey to their seductive powers.

Fall prey to Rolando’s, instead.

Grrr-rowl.

Because I'm a Horrible Person...

…I have to delay this week’s update. Again.

Yes, I’m sorry, and yes, things are somewhat complicated in my corner of the world. I’ve been given a huge project at my internship that’s WAY more complicated than someone of my skill level is capable of handling, so I have to learn what exactly the hell it is I’m doing even as I’m trying to accomplish task after task after task with a professional level of proficiency.  

My mother also happened to get a huge blood clot in her side after a long plane ride (she and Dad went to Hawaii for their 30^th wedding anniversary; ain’t that cute?). She’s in a lot of pain and tomorrow I’m actually going to work from a waiting room at a diagnostic center while she gets needles stuck into her. It won’t be fun, but I’ll get it all done, I swear.

What sucks is that the chapter is, like, a thousand words away from being completed, but I just don’t have the energy to do it tonight and I REALLY don’t like the current ending. Therefore, tomorrow. It shall be so.

Again, so sorry, but summer seems less forgiving than the school year when it comes to my scheduling. Who woulda thunk, ya know?

~Jo

A Fan-Ficcer's Guide to Writing Summaries

                Imagine you are in a bookstore; any bookstore will do. Now, imagine you see a book on a display table. It has the most beautiful title to ever roll off your tongue, cover-art that seems to have been drawn by the goddess of the arts herself, and you find yourself drawn to it because, at first glance, it promises to be the best book you’ve ever read. You pick it up; it is the perfect weight, the perfect size, and with reverence and held breath you flip it over to read the summary on the back—

                —but it doesn’t have one.

                The back of the most perfect book in the world… is blank.

                You stare at the empty cover in disbelief. How could this be? You desperately want to know if this book contains something you’ll be interested in reading; you desperately want to know if investing your time and energy into this book is a good idea. Where is the information that will tell you these things? Feeling your heart begin to pound, you open the book to the inside cover, hoping that the book’s summary is hiding there.

                Alas, the inside flap is also blank.

                You begin to panic. This book feels excellent. You want it to be good so badly you can taste it. You want to know if it’s a total waste of time before you start reading it; having to take the book back to the store would be a total hassle. With shaking hands you flip to the back inside cover, praying and hoping that—

                Oh, shit.

                All it says is “plz read & review”.

               (Although the above might be a bit of an exaggeration, that’s what I feel when I see a badly written summary—or, even worse, a fic with no real summary at all. I’ve written a list of some of the things I keep in mind when writing summaries for my stories on fanfiction.net. I've seen a lot of violations of my personal code lately, so I figured someone, somewhere might find this helpful.) 

The Basics:

1.       A summary should be used to tell the readers what your story is about. Giving part of the basic plot and showing what characters are featured are good ways to draw readers into a story.

2.       However, you shouldn’t give away too much for fear of losing the story’s mystery. Tell us the basic conflict, but never the resolution.

3.       Story tags that tell general information about the story are good ideas: AU, OC, OOC, crackfic, pairings, etc. They don’t take up much space, either! However, most of your summary should be dedicated to an actual sentence or two, so if there’s no room for the tags, don’t sweat it too much.

4.       Try to make your summary as unique and attention-grabbing as possible! It’s there to attract readers, so try to make it stand out.

Common Sense:

1.       Make sure your summary is spelled and punctuated correctly, and make sure your sentences are grammatically correct. A summary is the first thing a reader sees when they look at your work, so if your summary is so badly written that it’s almost incomprehensible, readers will likely skip over your work entirely because they’ll assume your story is likewise unreadable.

2.       Watch out for typos! Your summary is only a few sentences long, so if you leave a typo in such a short, easy-to-edit passage, it makes you look sloppy or uncaring. This is also applicable to titles; nothing says “I don’t take the time to proofread” like a misspelled title.  

3.       Avoid chatspeak! It’s terribly unprofessional!

What Not To Say:

1.       Don’t say things like “I suck at summaries” in your summary. If you can’t handle the task of writing a simple summary, it does not bode well for the rest of your writing. A first impression is everything!

2.       Don’t say “the story is better than it sounds”. Your job is to make it sound interesting, so don’t waste space and time on defending yourself when you could be using it to improve your summary.

3.       Don’t say things like “If you don’t review I will never update again” in your summary. You come across as whiny and juvenile and will turn off many readers by acting in such a manner.

4.       Don’t waste your summary space on talking about why you’re writing the story, or what your personal feelings on it are. People want to hear about the story itself so they can figure out whether or not they want to read it. There’s room to talk about other things in an author’s note.

5.       Don't say things like "don't like, don't read" or "no flames". You're only inviting people to flame you, and acting defensive before a reader even has time to judge your story doesn't reflect well on you. Be proud of your story; so what if other people might not agree? Don't give them the satisfaction of getting to you!